The Filter of Your Own Emotional State
Dearest Reader,
Last night, my four year old nephew said "You're not listening!" with so much frustration and defeat in his voice that his eyes welled with tears. A long conversation later, we discovered that what he meant was "I don't feel heard."
I was listening. He was being heard. But that wasn't relevant. What mattered was that he didn't FEEL heard and understood, so nothing I did or said would have mattered.
He, like each of us, experienced the conversation through the lens of his emotional state. He was frustrated, so what he heard in my response felt frustrating.
Pre-schoolers are exceptional teachers because they openly display what we've learned to unconsciously mask behind "professionalism" or "etiquette" as adults.
Communication is a two way street. Especially when it comes to feedback, conflict, or other hard conversations. Meaning we receive it through the filter of our own emotional state. We may blame tone or cadence or verbiage, when we really need to adjust our own filter to hear the true message more clearly.
Today I invite you to consider the last time you were upset with a colleague. What was your TRUE message, the one lurking beneath the default response? The one you only really notice when you pause to take a breath and inquire within?
A few examples of mine:
"It just sounds like you already decided for the team." (Feeling scared, defeated) Actually meant, "When you said we need to have a hard conversation, I assumed that meant you had bad news to share. I feel scared that you're already rejecting my idea no matter what I say."
"It's so frustrating you don't see the truth." Actually meant, "Your feedback was hard to hear, because the truth is I am meeting expectations and you're revealing that the team doesn't see that. I am unclear how to show them without boasting and I'm afraid they'll reject me if they don't respect me."
Re-read the examples. Do you feel the difference between the defensive, defeated version and the fully responsible, empowered version?
One is trap for two people defending from behind their armor—thus perpetuating the conflict. The other is a step forward into deeper understanding and empowered collaboration.
>> Which one will you choose tomorrow?
Keep growing,
Jamie 🪴💚
